big girls don't cry

but the internet is full of idiots who will leave comments - apparently these are all about fergie's video

the americans have bush, we've got this guy (more accurately, we have guys)

then we wonder why we're viewed as flaming idiots.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1493291.ece

and just so you know what's going on, some qatari idiot shipped his lambo all the way to the uk to get its oil changed - and then shipped it back.

golden lion tamarin

why public transportation is needed in dubai - hollywood style

1. metros, especially ones that run late into the night, are needed to perform public-scale pranks, fast criminal chases and intimate one-on-one conversations between prospective couples

2. more taxis are needed so that when we're following someone on foot and he takes his car, we can jump into the next available taxi and casually say "follow that car"

3. we need more buses because you don't see enough high speed chases involving buses down szr

4. we need more train stations - preferably deserted out of the way ones - to perform shady exchanges involving cash (preferably in small, used bills) of questionable origin

5. we need more quiet taxi drivers who utter the occasional sentence that will crack a police case wide open, solve deeply rooted father issues and inspire lovers to make their moves

6. we need more flights so that we can "hop on the first plane to la"

isms

our dear americans have taken political correctness to a whole new level. after annoying the fuck outta everyone with things like sexism, racism, ageism (i swear it's a word) and a whole host of opportunities where the common person can choke on his foot, a fair minded webizen concocted the term intellectual elitism.

hitler would've been proud.

of course not because of the definition of the term (coming coming), but because there are minds as creative as that in creating new ways of segregating people.

the offender committed his act of genius in a comment on an article online. the internet, the great enabler, not only allows for the dissemination of valuable knowledge quickly and seamlessly, but also just as easily allows idiots to be heard (this blog for instance, or youtube chris cocker, god damn his eyes, an internet celebrity). the article was about a "study" by a less than average atheist who reached the conclusion that the smarter people got, the less likely they'd believe in God. the study is a mess in its assumptions and definitions, but our prodigy friend decided to ignore all the blaring logical flaws and focus instead on how the article was written by an intellectual elitist.

intellectuals (erroneously referring to the writer), he vehemently argues, think that being smart entitles them to question things more deeply and are thus better suited to understand things better (such as question the facts brought forth by religions), which means that normal people can't reach the same conclusions. intellectual thus must think they're better than everyone else.

no shit, dimwit.

the very definition of being smart is being better able to understand things. americans need to seriously get it into their fat heads: everyone is not equal. there are smart people and stupid people, old and young, pretty and ugly, and they're not all equally capable. so yes, intellectual elitist are just that: they're fucking smarter than everyone else.

however, einstein above isn't the only one capable of recognizing isms - i have a few i've noticed myself:

1. travel-classism: while flying coach there is a curtain that is drawn between business/first and economy class. this is a clear segregation - asd it blatantly uses the term "class" in its description

2. networkism (sometimes referred to as carrierism): the act of differentiating services based on which mobile network you're subscribed to. at the lowest level, it means that you have to pay extra to call people on other networks, but it may also mean better services or treatment by staff.

3. genism: nature's way of differenitating people based on their genes. nature tends to favor those with better genes with better offspring - an equality of the greatest magnitude (update: as of publishing time, genism is an actual word. fuck)

4. blondism (sometimes referred to as funnism): the well established fact that blonds - and exclusively blonds - have more fun. this not only limits tha amount of fun available to brunettes and red-heads, it also means the fun is off-limits to males.

get off your ass and fucking move diet

there are books on how to diet.

the idea is one of those things that you never really notice because it's always been there - until you think about it for a second and it hits you. how could anyone write 300 pages on how to lose weight? i mean, someone actually spends months on typing out priceless tips (carb bad, fat good), then another thinks it's a good idea to publish the tips ("let's call it the lose weight while reading this diet!"), then people actually buy the damn thing.

again, there are books on how to diet.

i will now write the "get off your ass and fucking move" diet. i will also publish - very soon - a pocket version which you can use as a reminder. following that will be screen savers, tables, gym guides, etc.

get off your ass and fucking move diet

1. stop eating
2. get off your ass
3. move further than the tv
4. stop eating
5. move faster (otherwise known as jog)
6. stop eating
7. sleep
8. repeat

tips for the diet

1. you're not big-boned, you don't have slow metabolism, there aren't certain foods that make you gain weight - you're just fat. you're fat because you consume (and apparently have been, for a number of years now) more than you burn. the difference goes into those big bones
2. eating ice cream, chocolate and other comfort foods while crying will not help your efforts to lose weight.
3. if after a month of working out and watching your diet you haven't lost weight, it's not because you've gained muscle mass, it's because of tip 1. if you gain muscle mass as fast as you lose fat you should stop reading right now and donate your body to genetic research

the pocket version of get off your ass and fucking move diet

1. stop eating 2. get off your ass 3. move further than the tv 4. stop eating 5. move faster (otherwise known as jog) 6. stop eating 7. sleep 8. repeat

single

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1/2 lb. package of turkey

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

nose jobs

whichever doctor was smart enough to trick the first girl into getting a nose job must've been a real fucking genius. i mean, was he like "dear we'll first break your nose, chisel off the extra shit, then stuff gauze up your nostrils so you won't be able to breathe for a few days. oh and your nose will remain really swollen for two weeks and then a little less swollen for another month or so - and your face will look like that one suffering from an abusive husband"? i had the unfortunate experience of getting mine fixed (deviated nasal septum), which doesn't involve any chiseling or reforming, or any bruise marks. but it does involve the gauze and the swollen nose, and God damn it i will never recommend it to anyone. i still can't get into the mindset of someone doing it because they think their nose looks big or crooked.

easy diet

americans are fat lazy bastards.

if you're american and take offense, sorry, but it's true.

the signs of this laziness are evident in their falling back in almost any leadership position of the world - r&d, universities, jobs, technology, economy. they're sinking and sinking fast (dang it they were on the top for less than a century!) but that doesn't matter. it's a tough task to find engineers, scientists and doctors in america now (except if you count all the ones who've been there for less than a decade who at one point were chinese or indian). so they (americans) are content to work in business, marketing and other bullshit positions and leave the real jobs of innovation to other nations. lazy. and fat.

it's a fact that they're the fattest nation on earth. but what are they doing about it? they're looking for easy diets, where one doesn't feel hungry, or eats as much as one pleases, or takes pills. wtf is wrong with them? you've been over-eating for twenty years, BE HUNGRY FOR A YEAR YOU GLUTTONOUS BASTARD. i know it sounds scary and lonely, being hungry, but it happens all over the world all the time, and people actually feel better after it. so tough it up you sorry, lazy bastard.

and why do i feel the need to call americans bastards? well, this is the internet and i can say whatever i want, but the fact that they bully their way into whatever they want makes them bastards in my book.

speech and intelligence

why is it that the more people talk, the less intelligent they seem? or perhaps i have the cause and effect reversed here: why are less intelligent people prone to hours of meaningless rambling? it is my misfortune that i have to work with people who like to talk. blah blah yada yada. and it's all useless, usually consisting of a summary of previous achievements and glories. i mean, i really don't give a fuck if you were julius ceasar one day - i find nothing interesting or impressive about you. in fact, i'm here against my wishes. and the cherry on top? "why are you so quiet? everything ok?" no it's not, i'm suffering. if you'd just shut your yap and turn up the music and let me sulk in peace. if you're the talkative type it's ok, just stay away from me.