important police business

so i was at the gym this morning, waiting for the nice receptionist to give me the password for the wireless. it was quite early and i had barely gotten there when a guy still in his shirt and pants, with his bag on his back, purposefully walks to the reception: "where is the manager? (while annoyingly clicking his membership card against the counter) get me the manager now or i call the police. come on, where is she? i need her now, or i'll call the police (still clicking the fucking card)" so the poor receptionist started frantically dialing numbers "she's coming sir, she's on the way." of course i was wondering what might it be this early that requires the police. did they charge him twice for his membership? did someone attack him? did he find a body in the locker room? ten seconds later "yes get her now, or i'll call the police, someone stole my sneakers."

someone "stole" his fucking nike sneakers.

imagine the look on the policeman's face when he gets there and he's told he's there for a pair of missing sneakers. i mean you didn't see the self-righteousness on this guy's face. sneakers. in the gym. he probably forgot his fucking shoes at home, the idiot.

the fucking police.

funky arabs

i apologize for the video.

i don't apologize often for stuff i post here, but this video made me want to gouge my eyes out. it led to rage. i couldn't even watch it to the end. regardless of the chain of idiocy required to actually get something like this on tv (fag: hey i want to express an opinion -> producer: damn right, oh great creative overlord -> director: of course you need em hoes, it's the only way to express your opinion -> tv station: this will not offend, it certainly has 'nuff hoes), some people might miss the point of the video: arabs are not terrorists!

fag funky arab

i mean what better indication of a nation's progress than scantly clad girls writhing with guys, whom mr shweiry refers to "guys on their high" or something like that. i love how in the very beginning he categorically removes any and all doubt to the nationality of the participants in this great video. yes, we're not bom-bers, but we're sexy. in fact, after this video, all your base are belong to us.

i believe i speak on behalf of us all when i say: fuck you.

westernization

i was in thailand recently. in my head it's a south-east asian country, but in its reality it has the typical western influences. you have the modern high-rise buildings, the malls, starbucks and mcd's (duh), and everything you can expect in a modern country. i guess we should call them modern influences, rather than western, if eastern countries have them just as much. the thai do retain their culture (they're the kindest, most accommodating people you'll ever meet), but have borrowed some elements from the west.

my favorite borrowed element, which happens to be more or less their current national dress, is the short shorts.

thailand's national dress

i don't know if it's the law or the weather or the fact that thai girls are endowed with some of the best legs on earth, but it seems every other girls had them on. i mean i think normal girls must get depressed when they get to thailand. seriously i haven't seen a back-view of a girl that wasn't pleasant, and most were spectacular. so god bless the media, culture and hollywood for its establishment of short shorts as a fashion trend.

distant food

i recently noticed a weird phenomenon. at fast food joints (and other places that put pictures of their food in their menus), the object you're buying is usually in sharp focus where the rest of the items (for example, the fries and coke) are out of focus. so what is that? are all the items really large and far, far away, so far that they lose focus? i've noticed it in the burger king menu and the friday's menu, but i bet it's elsewhere.

notice how the mashed potatoes, even on the same plate, are out of focus. how large is the plate?

entertainment

people like going to the movies. people like clubbing, singing and dancing. some even enjoy a book, or poetry, or a walk in a park.

but the foremost human source of entertainment is their mouths. good god in heaven, people just can't shut their traps. wherever i went in thailand and was left for a few minutes with anyone - any godforsaken stranger - they would start talking to me. one would think having the language challenge might reduce its appeal, but no, it instead makes the experience even more painful to me. they would gesture widely and describe words they want to use (how you say not cold? yes, it was hot that day). as you can imagine, the content of the conversation would be limited to the weather, where i'm from and what drink i'd like to have.

does anyone know why people like to talk? on the plane, in queues, wherever they're forced to be quiet, they start talking.

swine flu breaking news

and on the ongoing world panic at the swine flu issue, mexico has officially announced that the number of confirmed dead due to the flu has dropped from 20 to 7.

medicine in mexico must be quite advanced, what with their ability to resurrect the dead.

three types of idiots

there are at least three types of idiots in fitness first:
1. penis proud: in the locker area in fitness first there are at least 125 signs that kindly, politely, imploringly ask people to not walk around naked in the gym. some are large, some are small, some are in the changing area, some near the showers, some in the showers. what's amazing is not their sheer quantity, but rather how little effect they have on people. idiot type 1 still insists on walking around naked and changing in view of everyone. i believe i speak on behalf of everyone when i say: we see enough disgusting scenes in the gym, what with overweight women insisting on wearing tights, so please put your fucking penis away.
2. hanger hoarder: if one visits ikea, one would notice that a pack of 10 plastic hangers costs 10 dirhams, averaging a dirham a pop. fitness first are kind enough to provide these in the lockers, idiot type 2 insists, however, on taking the hanger home with him. it's theft you fucking asshole, they're not there to take, they're there to use.
3. bottle brimmer: fitness first provides several cool water fountains (cool as in cold, not hip), which are designed, i believe, for people to drink water from. you know, like when we're in a class and we have a 30 second break to drink and i want to drink and get back to class. some idiot type 3 faggots (not homosexuals, i'm just running out of words to insult the gym idiot), however, decide that it's cool to fill their fucking water bottles from the fountains. i don't want to stand in fucking line so you can fill your bottle. a bottle is 5 dirhams asshole, fucking buy one.

update: there is a fourth, somehow missed, type of idiot: the weight waiter: in body pump people need to gather several small weights to add and remove from the bar during the workout. see? several small weights, you keep them close and add and remove them depending on the workout. some, who must have some sort of mental retardation, insist on loading the bars at the weight rack. so they would stand there like the little princesses they are, keeping everyone behind them waiting, while they take the small weights and add them, one by one, to the bar. then when the workout is done, they return to the rack, and start removing them from the bar, one by one, while people are waiting behind them.
apologies for leaving the fourth and most idiotic idiot out - a serious infraction on my part. apologies.

what it really means

what he says:

i don't know i'm just having one of those days when technology is just bad to you

what he wants you to feel:

he is a good person whose fate forces him to face some hardships every once in a while

the truth:

he's too dumb to work his fucking ipod

what she says:

i've been having nothing but salads for lunch for 2 weeks now and i still can't lose any weight - i must have slow metabolism

what she wants you to feel:

pity her and not judge her form

the truth:

she's a fat bitch who can't lay off the fried chicken and the cookies

who dat?

i once wondered why anyone would use a foreign celebrity to promote products for the arab world (they did that with nicole scherzinger again, but damn she can promote bottled air and i'll buy it), but i noticed an even more disturbing phenomenon.

i was walking past a poster with a big picture of anne hathaway promoting a perfume or something, and she had a nice gown on (she cute, no?). i was smiling to myself enjoying the display, then i noticed her name at the bottom of the poster.

why?

why would a company promote a product by using a well-known face if it's not well known? yes, some idiot doesn't understand contradictions and decided to tell everyone "look! we're using a celebrity you don't know! buy our perfume! now!"

real athletes

the word athletics usually brings to mind images of physical activity: intense competition, players running, jumping, sweating, competing, with large audiences and cheering and excitement. athletes are physically active, in good shape and inspire fierce loyalties.

what they aren't are golfers, dart or dart players.

those two sport wannabes should not be sports. unless a "sport" causes you to sweat, it shouldn't be a sport. i mean dart players are notoriously fat (maybe because of the snacks they have between the turns throwing darts). but even those "sports" have some motion. what shocked me today was that chess was in the sports section of the newspaper.

chess.

chess was in the sports section in the newspaper.

chess.

can someone please explain to me why chess was in the sports section? is it the suspense? is it the ceaseless action?

chess. a sport.