Sunday, May 25, 2008

get off your ass and fucking move diet

there are books on how to diet.

the idea is one of those things that you never really notice because it's always been there - until you think about it for a second and it hits you. how could anyone write 300 pages on how to lose weight? i mean, someone actually spends months on typing out priceless tips (carb bad, fat good), then another thinks it's a good idea to publish the tips ("let's call it the lose weight while reading this diet!"), then people actually buy the damn thing.

again, there are books on how to diet.

i will now write the "get off your ass and fucking move" diet. i will also publish - very soon - a pocket version which you can use as a reminder. following that will be screen savers, tables, gym guides, etc.

get off your ass and fucking move diet

1. stop eating
2. get off your ass
3. move further than the tv
4. stop eating
5. move faster (otherwise known as jog)
6. stop eating
7. sleep
8. repeat

tips for the diet

1. you're not big-boned, you don't have slow metabolism, there aren't certain foods that make you gain weight - you're just fat. you're fat because you consume (and apparently have been, for a number of years now) more than you burn. the difference goes into those big bones
2. eating ice cream, chocolate and other comfort foods while crying will not help your efforts to lose weight.
3. if after a month of working out and watching your diet you haven't lost weight, it's not because you've gained muscle mass, it's because of tip 1. if you gain muscle mass as fast as you lose fat you should stop reading right now and donate your body to genetic research

the pocket version of get off your ass and fucking move diet

1. stop eating 2. get off your ass 3. move further than the tv 4. stop eating 5. move faster (otherwise known as jog) 6. stop eating 7. sleep 8. repeat

Thursday, May 15, 2008

single

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1/2 lb. package of turkey

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."