Tuesday, March 24, 2009

witty tshirts

i love the onion. i think their satire is the best available anywhere and i would give my pinkie toe for a chance to work with them. i don't know if i have the wit, but they are the funniest, smartest people out there (barring 4chan, of course, but those people are hard to swallow to all but the most hardened cyber residents).

a considerate friend got me a "the onion" mug. on one side it reads "the onion", and on the other (the one that people can see when a right-handed person is using it) it reads "i wish i were dead". i was foolish enough to bring the mug into the office and weirdly enough people actually use it. i mean i thought the office was generally suicidal, but it turns out the problem is much simpler than that: people themselves are simple, they don't read what the mug says.

of course this problem is but a symptom of a bigger issue, which is people reading what's on anything they use. this includes mugs apparently, but also tshirts, notebooks, anything someone idiotic enough can write useless nonsense on. useless slogans, meaningless information, self-advertisement and downright babble are all plastered on anything that'll hold ink.

i guess i just want to say this: read. before making yourself a bigger fool than you already are, read what you wear and use, it might save you one day.

Friday, March 20, 2009

medium rare

i don't get vegetarians. i mean, to consciously stop consuming meat (with meat i mean beef, lamb and chicken) is a little beyond my imagination. however, i won't judge. live and let live, i always say.

but those fucking assholes who have "veggie burgers" or "veggie bacon" or whatever fuck meat wannabe veggie shit they wanna consume should die slowly. there's fake bacon! fake bacon for god's sake! bacon is yummy because it's fatty and crispy and clots your arteries. typical of weaklings: don't quit the stuff you like to eat for whatever reason (ethical, religious, etc), but instead, find a marginally less controversial version an enjoy that instead.

you think eating meat is wrong. fine. don't pretend you're eating meat, STOP eating meat. get your protein from beans and cheese. have eggs (unless you don't feel right about eating unhatched chicken fetuses). but don't fry facon and enjoy it in a blt, it's defeating the purpose - you don't eat meat, fucking stick to it.

for me it's simple: i love animals, but mainly dead, on a plate and grilled medium rare.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

tit tat

i wonder what messages women try to send men. i wonder if they know. i wonder if they don't all need massive group therapy.

i work in a company with colleagues from around 10 different countries. one of my colleagues is a cute little indian who at 30 something has braces (i hope i got the age right or she'll have my nuts for this). she's bubbly and loud and her laugh can be heard a mile away. she also has a tattoo right above her ass (or as the females would like to point out, at the bottom of her back). one day in the conference room she was reaching for a phone across the conference table, and on account of her being little, she really had to reach, exposing said tattoo. that was the first time i notice it, so it caught my eye. a split second later she's yelling at me accusing my of staring at her ass. i was "uuhhhh".

this morning i stepped into the elevator with a group of people. one lady had a tank top on, and there was a tit tat, staring me in the face. of course having learned from my lesson with my friendly colleague i quickly averted my eyes, but was inspired to write this. i mean i will accept the argument that tank tops are worn because of the heat, but inscribing a tattoo over your breast is only asking for attention. no? any female insight here would be appreciated. it's like a guy getting into a ferrari then acting all offended when people ogle it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

do not read these books

i like reading. i like to vary my reading and take chances on books (so i randomly pick out books at book stores). i have favorite genres, but generally speaking, i like em all.

what i despise is overhyped fucking classics. i understand that people praise highly subjective crap like art and call it genius (picasso? really? must i get high to appreciate his art?), but when it comes to books it really pisses me off. i present to you 3 classics that are best left to rot in a library somewhere.

1. george orwell's animal farm and 1984
the concept behind these novels is quite interesting. they deal mainly with censorship. however, animal farm is literally about a farm with speaking animals. and is like 80 pages or something. and 1984 takes the animal farm concept and applies it to humans, almost idea for idea. i did myself the injustice of reading them back to back, but i would also say i did myself a favor by catching his bs. either one of them written alone would've been enough. don't do the animal one, the human one analyses the ideas in much more depth

2. james joyce' a portrait of the artist as a young man
never in my life have i read such a narcissistic account of one's childhood as that pile of nonsense. i was brought up catholic but now i don't believe in god. boohoo. to be fair i didn't actually go through the whole thing, but damn it i tried to read the fucker 4 times and i couldn't past the first few chapters. it's boring as hell.

3. gabriel garcía márquez' 100 years of solitude
i had to google the novel to get the guy's name. that novel was an absolute agony to complete. it is so irrelevant that i'm surprised that people actually complete and enjoy it. it talks about a town with a train and bananas and something about an eating contest. i have no idea what the hell it was all about. i finished it and wondered why i ever bothered in the first place. but the eating contest part i'm sure of.