Sunday, May 31, 2009

h1n1 update

interesting phenomenon: going into thailand the immigration employees were nice and polite (as everyone else in the country). on the way out they were also nice and polite, but they wore those surgical masks. on the way out. is that supposed to tell us anything?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

basic grammar

most english words can be changed from singular to plural by adding an s. for example:
house : houses
idiot : idiots

however, to the latter group, not all words can be pluralized, such as:
equipment : equipment

more importantly, to the latter group, not all words ending in an s (or s sound) are plural. for example:
license is a license, not the plural of licen
sacrifice is not many, nor is it the plural of sacrifi

please stop asking me to deliver a licen. it's a license. and i won't give a sacrifi.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

greatest invention

some argue it's fire (and would argue that fire is a discovery). some argue it's the wheel. the pen, the printing press, the internet - there is a long list of possible candidates. but clearly this list has been compiled by healthy people. one with a cold and a stuffy nose will tell you that this is the greatest invention:

nasal spray clears clogged up noses. with it you can breathe, speak, think, and sleep peacefully. never mind the pen - i'll take the spray over it any time.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

pity friend

"behold the pity friend! yes, that one over there, the fat one. no, she doesn't do herself any favors. and yes, those pants aren't helping. watch how these hips sway, how the jeans are busting at the seams - she doesn't get the "skinny" in skinny jeans. the group of skinny "friends" around her? well, my dear friend, this is where pity friend gets her name from! see that one over there, yes one of the skinny ones, she's the whale's best friend! yes! been friends since they were toddlers (but you can guess who always stole all the cookies, no?). yeah, that group is the skinny one's clique, the hippo is tagging along, feeling out of place and fatter by the minute. what she does? she goes home and finds comfort in a tub of ice cream, a one kilo bar of chocolate or a bucket of fried chicken."

Friday, May 22, 2009

important police business

so i was at the gym this morning, waiting for the nice receptionist to give me the password for the wireless. it was quite early and i had barely gotten there when a guy still in his shirt and pants, with his bag on his back, purposefully walks to the reception: "where is the manager? (while annoyingly clicking his membership card against the counter) get me the manager now or i call the police. come on, where is she? i need her now, or i'll call the police (still clicking the fucking card)" so the poor receptionist started frantically dialing numbers "she's coming sir, she's on the way." of course i was wondering what might it be this early that requires the police. did they charge him twice for his membership? did someone attack him? did he find a body in the locker room? ten seconds later "yes get her now, or i'll call the police, someone stole my sneakers."

someone "stole" his fucking nike sneakers.

imagine the look on the policeman's face when he gets there and he's told he's there for a pair of missing sneakers. i mean you didn't see the self-righteousness on this guy's face. sneakers. in the gym. he probably forgot his fucking shoes at home, the idiot.

the fucking police.

Monday, May 18, 2009

funky arabs

i apologize for the video.

i don't apologize often for stuff i post here, but this video made me want to gouge my eyes out. it led to rage. i couldn't even watch it to the end. regardless of the chain of idiocy required to actually get something like this on tv (fag: hey i want to express an opinion -> producer: damn right, oh great creative overlord -> director: of course you need em hoes, it's the only way to express your opinion -> tv station: this will not offend, it certainly has 'nuff hoes), some people might miss the point of the video: arabs are not terrorists!

fag funky arab

i mean what better indication of a nation's progress than scantly clad girls writhing with guys, whom mr shweiry refers to "guys on their high" or something like that. i love how in the very beginning he categorically removes any and all doubt to the nationality of the participants in this great video. yes, we're not bom-bers, but we're sexy. in fact, after this video, all your base are belong to us.

i believe i speak on behalf of us all when i say: fuck you.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


i was in thailand recently. in my head it's a south-east asian country, but in its reality it has the typical western influences. you have the modern high-rise buildings, the malls, starbucks and mcd's (duh), and everything you can expect in a modern country. i guess we should call them modern influences, rather than western, if eastern countries have them just as much. the thai do retain their culture (they're the kindest, most accommodating people you'll ever meet), but have borrowed some elements from the west.

my favorite borrowed element, which happens to be more or less their current national dress, is the short shorts.

thailand's national dress

i don't know if it's the law or the weather or the fact that thai girls are endowed with some of the best legs on earth, but it seems every other girls had them on. i mean i think normal girls must get depressed when they get to thailand. seriously i haven't seen a back-view of a girl that wasn't pleasant, and most were spectacular. so god bless the media, culture and hollywood for its establishment of short shorts as a fashion trend.

distant food

i recently noticed a weird phenomenon. at fast food joints (and other places that put pictures of their food in their menus), the object you're buying is usually in sharp focus where the rest of the items (for example, the fries and coke) are out of focus. so what is that? are all the items really large and far, far away, so far that they lose focus? i've noticed it in the burger king menu and the friday's menu, but i bet it's elsewhere.

notice how the mashed potatoes, even on the same plate, are out of focus. how large is the plate?

Thursday, May 14, 2009


people like going to the movies. people like clubbing, singing and dancing. some even enjoy a book, or poetry, or a walk in a park.

but the foremost human source of entertainment is their mouths. good god in heaven, people just can't shut their traps. wherever i went in thailand and was left for a few minutes with anyone - any godforsaken stranger - they would start talking to me. one would think having the language challenge might reduce its appeal, but no, it instead makes the experience even more painful to me. they would gesture widely and describe words they want to use (how you say not cold? yes, it was hot that day). as you can imagine, the content of the conversation would be limited to the weather, where i'm from and what drink i'd like to have.

does anyone know why people like to talk? on the plane, in queues, wherever they're forced to be quiet, they start talking.