Sunday, September 02, 2007

conflict resolution

conflict: i'm in the office and one of the people sitting next to my desk is noisy as hell. when he drinks, he "ehhhhhsss" and "aahhhhssss" and he makes all sorts of gurgly sounds when he sits, stands up, answers the phone and generally breathes. he's also fat and lazy.
resolution: grab ponytail and yank head down, precisely insert pen into throat. gurgling will increase momentarily but then subside for good.

conflict: driving along the road, i encounter an idiot who thinks that he owns the road. he's driving between the lanes, he's slower than the general flow of traffic and he's on his phone. he's wasting oxygen breathing.
resolution: slightly nudge left-rear corner of car and watch it go into a spin. keep fingers crossed that it will crash into a fatal accident.

conflict: rj decided to install self check-in terminals, a dream of a timesaver. i entered my detailes, scanned my passport, confirmed everything, and at the very last step, the machine told me that it's out of paper. idiot working at the airport, sweaty and short of breath, "sorry, these terminals are closed" and i was "but why place 6 of them if they're not working" he was "the computer is loaded and the system isn't working". no you dumb fuck, the system is working, but the machine is out of paper.
resolution: fill machine with paper
yeah, right.
resolution: grab tie, yank and jam into luggage conveyor belt. watch the color drain out of his face and his skin turn blue. wait till he stops kicking and proceed to queue with the rest of the technophobes.

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